John Phelan

A childhood dominated by Mad Magazine, Werewolf by Night, and Addams Family reruns turned John Phelan into a figment of his own imagination. A former competitive bodybuilder and art class figure model afflicted with life-threatening food allergies, he often mutters bitterly to himself about how infrequently he gets laid and enjoys lifting weights while listening to songs performed by Anthrax and George Jones. He no longer parts his hair on the side, except by request.

John was awarded a Ph.D. in Cellular Biology several years ago, but has forgotten most of what he learned in graduate school. Doctor Phelan now teaches Human Anatomy at a local medical school, and is finally ready to admit that the novelty of cutting up dead people has worn off.

He enters many sweepstakes hoping for a windfall that will enable him to retreat to seclusion somewhere along the Jersey shore for the remainder of his existence. In the meantime, John tries to amuse himself by acting in anything anyone is desperate enough to cast him in. "Never end a sentence with a preposition" is his motto.